Every scar will build my throne
by NeverlandAwaitsUs
Summary: Belle seeks Killian's help and he shares a secret of his past with her.


He gritted his teeth while he stood at the railing, overlooking the small harbor of Storybrooke. It was still rather early but the sleepy town was already awake due to their new citizens that came with the airship.

A sigh left his mouth when he thought about it. Ever since that bloody thing crashed down, Emma started to act weird and she wouldn't talk to him. Sure, she said she was fine and it was just the stress but he didn't believe her. He didn't need her superpower to know that she was lying to him but he couldn't do a thing. Pushing her wouldn't help and only cause her walls to go up higher again. Knowing her, she would tell him in her own time but he couldn't shake the feeling that something was really wrong.

"Killian?", a voice piped up from behind him and he walked over to the gangplank, finding Belle standing there and smiling at him. They had a brief conversation yesterday at Granny's after her return. He wouldn't admit it but he was glad that she was back. No matter what happened in their past, they had become good friends and he enjoyed having her around.

"Permission to come aboard?", she said with a grin on her face and he chuckled, making a motion with his hand.

"Permission granted, love." He watched her closely as she walked up the plank, held out his hand for her until she was standing right in front of him. Something was different about her but he couldn't quite put a finger on what it was. "To what do I owe that pleasure?"

With that question, Belle looked down at her feet and shifted a little nervously. Killian frowned a little, not really knowing what she would say. They had spent some time together, mostly at the library or a quick meal at Granny's, but this must be the first time she actually visited him on the ship.

"I...need your help", she told him while looking back up at him, her eyes telling him that it was quite a serious matter that she needed help with.

"I'll do what I can. What's the matter?" He leaned against the railing with his hip, arm placed on the old wood while he waited for her to gather her thoughts and words.

"Can I stay here?", the brunette suddenly blurted out and his eyebrows shot up. He expected a lot but certainly not this.

"Why would you-", he stopped in the middle of his sentence and while he watched her, it totally made sense. "It's because of him, isn't it?" His jaw twitched a little at the thought.

Belle nodded and Killian sighed, running his hand through his hair. She was so afraid of the crocodile that she asked him to let her stay here because she knew that the Jolly was safe. Because she knew he would protect her and Rumplestiltskin wouldn't dare to come here, wouldn't have the chance to take her away by force.

"That bad?", he asked, not quite sure why a room at Granny's wouldn't be enough, maybe with a protection spell or something. He would let her stay of course, but there was something about her whole posture that rubbed him the wrong way. There was more to the story than she was telling him, and if he was going to let her stay he needed to know everything.

"It's not just about me anymore", she sighed and put a hand on her stomach, looking down briefly before back into his eyes.

He could feel the color vanish from his face as he swallowed hard. She was pregnant.

She carried that man's child under her heart and now he wanted to take it.

Within a heartbeat, memories started to flash behind his eyes so he closed them, trying to make the painful pictures go away. He took a deep breath while anger was pooling in his stomach.

Memories of pain, memories of screams, memories of too many drunken nights and a lost future.

"Are you okay?", she asked him and put a hand on his arm, causing him to look up at her again.

"Aye, I'm sorry. Of course you can stay. I'll have a cabin prepared for you by tonight. Guess we'll be roommates for now", he told her with a chuckle and she started to grin at him again before pulling him into a hug.

"Thank you so much", she mumbled against his shoulder and he smiled, wrapping his arms around her body.

"You're welcome."

* * *

He hated this.

Hated how the memories were tormenting him in his sleep, how the nightmares had come back so heavily that he couldn't keep his eyes shut.

The night was cold but it was good, the ocean air was distracting him, at least for a little while. He sat on the stairs that led up to the helm, turning the knot in his hands over and over again.

Belle was pregnant from this bastard and he knew exactly what would happen if he couldn't get his child.

Killian growled deeply. If he could he would rip out the crocodile's heart with his own hands, but he wasn't that man anymore. He wasn't filled with vengeance anymore, no matter how much that man took from him.

He was changed, different. Everything was different now, the loneliness in his heart that had only fueled his darkness was gone. He had a family now, friends. He had no reason for vengeance.

And still, now that he knew that the Dark One was after Belle and her child, he wondered why he didn't kill him when he had the chance.

"Here you are", the familiar female voice came from his right and he didn't look up right away, his eyes fixed on the bundle of rope in his hand.

"Shouldn't you be asleep?", he asked her when she sat down next to him but she just shook her head while wrapping the blanket she brought around her shoulder a little tighter to ignore the chilly air around them.

"I wanted to but I couldn't. Then I went to see you but you weren't in your cabin", she explained and he just nodded, not answering her any further. For a long time, they sat in silence, neither of them saying a word, just listening to the waves crashing softly against the ship while the stars were shining down on them.

It was a beautiful, clear night sky. He usually loved looking at it and yet, he couldn't focus.

"I recognize this knot. It means something to you, doesn't it?" He didn't know how much time had passed before she started to speak to him and he just nodded, his mind filled with memories and flashbacks from a time where everything was supposed to be better.

"It's...a rattle", he whispered in the darkness of the night. When he look up at her for a mere second, he could barely see her. The moonlight was all they got but it was enough. "I made it for Milah after she told me I was going to be a father."

He heard Belle swallow and looked back down into his hand.

It was the only memory he had left of a future that didn't even get the chance to live. Of a child that had been his for only a few weeks before it was ripped from him like Milah.

They sat in silence again but this time he hated it. No one knew this part about his past, not even Emma. It had never occurred to him to bring it up, the fact that he had almost been a father once, many many years ago. Right now, it felt wrong to keep it to himself so he took a deep breath and started to tell Belle the tale.

How happy Milah was when she found out that she was pregnant after feeling sick for days.

At first he had been shocked, had been so sure that he could never be a father after his own had abandoned him and Liam. But Milah had assured him over and over again that he would be a wonderful father, that they would get Baelfire as soon as possible and they would all live at sea. A small pirate family.

He hadn't been sure if he really wanted his family to be pirates but it was an endearing thought at the time so he went with it. In the same night he had made the knot that he had in his hand right now because back then, he couldn't sleep, thoughts running through his head.

Would he really be a good father? Was he ready for it? Would the child like him? He had never interacted much with children before, wasn't sure how to care for them but Milah had pulled him back into the warmth of her body and suddenly, he had been sure it would work out.

From that day, she had carried the knot around, no matter where she went. A reminder that they were going to be parents. A real family, not just two unwanted souls that had found each other. Their life would get a whole new meaning, a whole new experience.

As the weeks passed by he had gotten more and more excited about becoming a father, bracing himself for all of it.

And then it all crashed down on them. Milah staying on board because she didn't feel well, him going out to drink, encountering the bloody crocodile late at night. Milah coming to look for him because she was worried, the deal aboard the ship next day and then.

Then she was gone, her heart ripped out and crushed in front of him.

On this day, it wasn't only his first love that had died, the crocodile had taken his unborn child from him as well, a crime that he could never forgive.

When he looked back up at Belle, her eyes were filled with tears, a single one running down her cheek.

"I'm so sorry", she whispered and he shook his head.

"It's okay, it's been many years already", he said and stood up only to kneel in front of her, taking her hands in his. "I just want you to know that I'm going to protect you. We all will. Emma, her parents. We'll take care of you, okay?"

Belle smiled at him and nodded but when he wanted to stand up she didn't let go of his hand. They stood there like this for a while, two friends giving each other the comfort they so badly needed until he just sat down next to her again.

"The last time, I couldn't protect Milah and I couldn't get to Baelfire, couldn't reunite them. This time, I'm going to make sure you and the little one will stay together, no matter what. History hasn't to repeat itself", he told her and she leaned her head against his shoulder, exhaustion setting in.

"I'm glad you're my friend, Killian. My best friend, actually", she whispered while she yawned and snuggled closer to him and he just laughed, pulling her into a brief side way hug.

"I'm glad we're friends too."

He wasn't sure if she had heard it or not because only mere seconds later, her breathing was even and she was asleep next to him.


End file.
